There is no perfect couple. Whether your relationship will last forever or end as soon as it starts depends on how you handle your issues.
It’s normal for couples to get into fights, but how do you get out of them? How do you ensure the issues do not break the sweet bond you have built over time?
The first step to finding a lasting solution is acknowledging that conflict will always be part of the relationship.
No matter how much love is in the air, you must start thinking of healthy ways of resolving your conflict because, sooner or later, it will erupt.
My next point is very critical. You must have also noticed that the two of you have different stands regarding fights. For instance, partner one might need space away from you to cool down before talking about it, while partner two might urge you to resolve the issue immediately.
This situation might make both partners feel like they are unimportant in the relationship. It is at this point where most couples get stuck.
So how, then, should you fight in a good way? How do you ensure you don’t get lost in that small argument?
Here are a few suggestions to help couples fight better
Get To Know About Your Partners’ Conflict History
You can do this simply by asking your partner about their past experiences with fights. Make inquiries about how they fought in their past relationships, how they fought with their siblings, or maybe how their parents or caretakers fought.
Some people do not know how to fight thoughtfully because they never saw their parents fight. Most people don’t know this, but being in such an environment can sometimes help one grasp the modes of fighting ethically in their relationships.
Meanwhile, others have grown up in conflicts coupled with screaming, cursing, and breaking objects.
These are not the only ways people fight in a relationship, but having this conversation will give you a deeper insight into who both of you are.
It will help you show up for your partner since you will understand why they need to walk away from the argument to avoid escalation or why they need to smooth things up to avoid discomfort immediately.
Knowing about their history will also help you predict the pattern of your conflict or fight and be able to intervene before it progresses.
Establish Agreements
Setting or establishing boundaries is only suitable after learning about each other’s fighting history. This also means you have to be honest and point out clearly to your partner what it is you feel at the moment.
For instance, if you need time to calm down before or in the middle of an argument, be straightforward and tell them that. For example, I’m afraid I can’t talk about this right now. I need some time to clear my head. We will get back to it shortly.
Remember to keep your word and get back to resolving the issue as soon as the time you stated elapses. This will make the other partner who feels urgency around conflict resolution feel like they can actually trust you and thus reduce their level of anxiety. You will also have space to clear your head.
Some other set boundaries can look like identifying the non-negotiables and establishing what either of you will do in case some limitations get crossed.
You can ask and find out what would make your conversations challenging to have. Is it name-calling or bringing up past issues? Is it when one or both of you raise your voices or is it threats of ending the relationship?
For example, you might decide and say that if you yell at me when we fight, I might have no choice but to walk out and come back later. Or, if you bring up my past issues, I will keep quiet until you are calm and ready to have a conversation.
Always Fight in a Neutral Place
It would be best to have the conversation in a neutral place. This means that you should not fight in the bedroom if you are arguing about sex, especially if you most frequently have sex in the same bedroom.
Remembering when and where you fight is very important. You should be able to recognise and boldly say you are not ready to have the conversation.
For instance, you can say, “I don’t like what you just said, and I would like us to talk about it. Are you ready for the conversation? Or we can speak of this in the evening when I am calm.
Maybe this might sound a bit unrealistic in the heat of the moment, but asking your partner whether they’re ready for a conversation will give you the best approach to get into the conversation safely.
Sometimes, fights in a relationship might get out of hand. That is, if they keep crossing boundaries, making frequent breakup threats, and becoming violent. In this case, be careful and watch out for indicators that might need serious work.
Together with your partner, you can create a solid plan for how you want to interact. When and where, and how to come out of it with less contempt.
